I briefly touched on my prayer for God to put a "yes" in my spirit when I wrote about the passing of my Aunt last month. I also explained the way that every single thing imaginable has been happening for me to take that back.
I have been tired.
Overloaded with stress, to say the least.
Facing obstacles in areas I'm truly not accustomed to suffering in.
And it seems my call to ministry got turned from 'simmer' to 'boil' in the midst of all these happenings.
Two weeks ago I quietly undertook my first speaking engagement outside of my home church.
On the way there, I bawled like a baby. Because not only am I ALWAYS on eggshells when I'm expected to speak on God's behalf, but sadly, none of my family or friends were able to come support me. And I knew the one person who would be there like the postal service (rain, sleet or snow, anyone?) is gone now.
So yet again I had to grasp on to that "yes," and put myself aside to fulfill the assignment that God had for me on that morning.
And the prayers that I've been having to pray, some of those prayers for people who haven't been particularly kind to me.
I write all this to say I could make a list a mile long of all the reasons why I should pause; Stop, even.
Every step I take in the direction God is showing me to go is seeming to remove something: so-called friends, support, my vices (the wine queen has gone cold sober.) Consecration is costly. The balance between humility and confidence in the face of putting yourself in front of people is a tight rope.
So how have I not given up? For that I'll simply quote God's word:
And so I wrote this for anyone like myself, feeling as though you are literally living on fumes.
Take rest in the Lord. I know my afflictions are inevitable when trying to live right in a world that so often goes left. But I take solace in the Lord. In knowing that he has the final say, and a plan that I can see unfolding in my prayers.
If you find yourself in this place, I beseech you to read on in the word, pick up from where I left off and be encouraged.
I could choose to hide, but instead I will continue to seek the Lord's face. Be blessed.