I can admit that I am a control freak.
A month ago I started praying for God to put a "yes" in my spirit.
I like to think I can handle things, and so I do, sometimes too much. Sometimes, the things I meddle in are admittedly out of my control and none of my business. And furthermore, Faith, something epitomized by relying on the unseen and resting in expectation, doesn't really match up with being a meddling, controlling, busy body.
And so I asked for a "yes."
A little less me, and a little more of what He wills for my life.
The thing I keep forgetting, however, is that when we pray, God rarely delivers what we ask for wrapped in a bow.
If you pray for patience, you can almost rest assured that, now, your patience will be tried.
Ask for peace, and you'll usually find that you're heaped right into chaos.
Because the point is not to live in perfection, but to strive toward perfection while living amongst less than desirable circumstances - and experience is the best teacher, I've found.
So I took that "yes," and applied it to everything that's come my way lately, trying all the while not to complain or control things. Trying not to burden myself with problems and people that I simply cannot change.
I was doing pretty well.
And then something inconceivable happened.
My aunt passed away last Wednesday, after waiting on a kidney transplant for quite some time.
She was more than just an aunt though; she was my friend. She was my confidant. She was my prayer warrior. She was pure love incarnated.
And suddenly I couldn't find my "yes."
Because I prayed for her, knowing that God would heal her and make her whole again.
Because God has always answered my prayers, giving me everything I asked for.
Because three months ago my father in law received a kidney and I just knew she would too.
Because she took care of everyone and I couldn't see her going without someone taking care of her, too.
Because I was always supposed to take a trip home and bring the boys to see her, but I'm always too busy.
But none of that mattered. She was gone nonetheless. Suddenly, and without warning.
I felt the world turn on its axis. I felt more helpless than I can ever recall feeling, because all the controlling nature I could muster wouldn't change a thing.
I had no "yes." Only a no.
This post was all written out, to talk about the yes, before I lost my aunt.
ABD relaunched on October 1st, and Devotionals were scheduled to go up last week, when she died. But I couldn't write about God at the moment. Because I would have been a hypocrite to tell you I was able to say "yes" to God's will last week.
But this morning as I was praying, God showed me that he had indeed answered my prayers.
I had prayed for my aunt to be healed. She is now.
I asked that someone take care of her. The Lord will take care of her now.
And though there is so much I wish I could have said to her, I can feel that she knew.
I can't change anything, or chart the course, or even stop my sporadic crying when I just hear her voice in my head, or her laugh.
So I have to say "yes," to God's plan, and stop holding on so tight to situations and really take care of the people in my life. I know we hear it over and over, but they can truly be gone in an instant.
I know now grieving for someone you truly love won't end in any sort of speedy fashion. But I know my aunt is okay now. Her pain is gone, and she's at peace; and I'm learning one of the most valuable lessons: How to free fall with God, even when I don't understand, and say YES.
I love you Auntie Renee. Until we meet again.